Protecting their innocence

As many of my buddies have started to kid about life with a toddler and relationship implications thereto, I think it’s time to bring up ‘the talk’.  You know; the one about S-E-X. 

As I’m sure is the case in most situations, your little guy or girl has likely managed to incorporate him/herself into all aspects of your life.  Bed time consists of a three person letter H formation, missing school or work hinges on the health of the toddler rather than that of your own, all of your free time is made up of ABCs and 123s, and yes, sometimes your sex life can be miserable as well. 

Aside from the obvious barrier that a letter H can present in the bedroom, the other most likely cause is the lack of time for any and all foreplay; or in my case, foreplay that consists of the words, ‘The child is down.  So, do you wanna do it?’  While not overly ambitious in your attempts—as enthusiasm is lost with the energy you’ve exerted—your sad attempts at rousing the Mrs. or Mr. likely falls flat and lonely time on the couch meets…well, what we shall appropriately refer to as ‘late night reruns’…

When the time does present itself and the mood strikes, my ill-intentioned buddies have often quipped as to whether or not the child has been roused from his slumber during intimate commencement.  As I’m sure many parents have experienced, the answer to this head hanging riddle is yes.  When you’re discovered in precarious situations, your best excuse is to play it smooth and inform your now damaged child that you were exchanging friendly back rubs.  While he/she may not buy your sad attempts at improvising your way out of the bedroom, this should at least buy you enough time to slip on some boxers and spare their spongy brain the imprinting of a parental full monty. 

              Whatever your situation may be, intimate relationships with a toddler can be difficult, and at all times you must be careful.  While you may feel like a high school student sneaking around the backs of your parents, at least you don’t have to worry about pregnancy or diseases—as you were dutifully informed by the adults around you.  The worst thing that can happen now is ruining your child for life.  To that, dear parents, I can only say: BE SAFE!  Else, you may find yourself explaining those back rubs to far more people than you’d like. 

Don't get pissy with me!

           

              As any parent knows, raising a child is expensive.  Moral and, in some places, silly things like legal obligations require parents to provide their children with necessary needs and wants such as food, clothing, toys, a safe environment, and one of the biggest pocket busters, diapers.  Unfortunately, my son has a fire hose boy part that busts through half a pack of Huggies a day.  Aside from maiming our pocket book, it on occasion can be a crappy job as well—once daily at least.  Thankfully, there’s light at the end of the tunnel, or more appropriately, there’s a urinal cake with Cal’s name on it, and with a steady hand and some straight shooting, we plan to bulls-eye that little blue sucker. 

              For the first morning ever, Cal woke up bright and early a couple of days ago with his Cool Alert Toy Story starship still standing proudly on the front of his pull-up.  For those of you unfamiliar with the Cool Alert system—you non-parents out there—pull-ups have a little picture that, once a child has relieved him or herself, will disappear notifying the parent that their child needs to be changed.  While Cal has been using the potty regularly during the day for the last few months—an impressive feat for a 2 ½ boy—we still often wake up during the night in order to prevent the ceremonious and lukewarm dampening of our sheets. 

              This morning with his rocket ship erect like a…well you know…proud American flag, Cal and I began to shout and cheer over his accomplishment.  Mid-body high fives were exchanged, toothy grins spread across our faces and Cal quickly stripped off his dry Disney branded pull-up and bolted bare butt to the big boy potty for needed relief.  I danced, I sang, I cried. 

              While I’m still not comfortable leaving the little guy without his overnight pull-up, he’s quickly climbing the potty training latter and saving us bunches along the way. 

               Here we come urinal cakes across Northern California; golden streams unite!